It's been many years since I started this blog, which was originally to be about knitting, then about autism, then family stuff, then quickly spiraled into my personal platform on anything from why it's better to knit with wool to how Mandy Patinkin is in control of much, much more than we realize.
Now it's time for me to make a new manifesto for those of you who may not know me and who don't like digging around in archives. Many churches have a statement of faith and it must be immediately noted that I am not a church. You can still come here even if your don't adhere to my beliefs. Also? No tithing.
1. I believe everything bad that happened in 1988 is Bob Costas's fault. There may be a (very) few bad things that cannot be attributed to Costas and those go to Bryant Gumbel.
2. Now that I have seen season thirteen, episode thirteen of Law & Order, I believe that it is Mandy Patinkin himself who somehow created a clause that no one could see his episode "In Absentia" without going through the trouble of ordering the whole season on DVD. It's not a great episode and Mandy plays a bad guy.
Even in this Internet day of debunking, there are still a few weirdos who believe that Jews hold secret meetings during which we decide...everything. We at Knitters-Knitters know that to be hogwash. It's only one Jew who controls everything and his name is Mandy Patinkin.
Did I mention that the character he plays in episode thirteen is a conspiracy theorist?
Now you're thinking, "Mandy's in charge? Then explain 1988!" Easily done. Mandy delegated that year to the aforementioned Bob Costas. Eh, we all make mistakes.
3. I believe that if I ever utter the phrase, "at this time," or worse yet, "at this moment in time," my dad will rise from his ashes, pound his fist for emphasis and shout, "No! No! One beautiful word, three little letters! NOW!"
4. I believe it's only okay to use the Oxford comma if you think less of yourself afterwards, fully acknowledging that you have taken a short cut by letting your punctuation do the writing for you. I say this with full awareness that what I have just typed are fightin' words. Have at it. Sock it to me. Just know that if you add a u to the words honor and color, I already consider you a sunk cost in my fight against the Oxford comma. You are exempt from following The New York Times' example.
5. I believe that autism is caused by folic acid supplements, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, a healthy diet and good prenatal care. That's the only possible explanation because that's how I got my Olive, right?
6. I believe if you do any crocheting on a knitted garment, God will smite you.
7. I believe -- no, I know -- that I am a poor player of Word With Friends and I am not going to get much better.
But I have very good reasons.
7a) As the youngest by far, I had to learn my family's history -- the sixteen years that happened before I was born -- as new information. Bird by bird, as it were. My own experiences were not a part of these earlier experiences, which meant I had to do double duty in learning family history while simultaneously accruing childhood memories.
7b) Two marriages have left me with quite a bit of extraneous information, information that tends to spring to mind when I'm trying to make words out of small tiles printed with letters. (As an aside: now may be a beautiful little word but it's only worth seven points unless you get to use one of the Happy Squares.)
For instance, part of my brain space is occupied by knowledge of my former mother-in-law's favorite things ... in 1989.
1) White Snake
3) Jolt Cola
4) Having all her Christmas shopping done and wrapped by July.
5) Hand-feeding wild animals. She gave a squirrel so many Brazil nuts that we found him dead in the yard. We think he had a coronary.
6) Disciplining other people's children (pity the child who kicks the back of her booth in a diner).
7) A proper burial. When her cat died in Mawmee, OH, she froze him solid, put him in a cooler and drove him to Seymour, IN to be buried because, "That's what he would have wanted."
8) Chancy, reduced-priced electronics. (Funai, anyone?)
9) Watching sit-coms or better still, watching them get taped. Or filmed. Filming takes much, much longer than taping. (Ask me how long it takes to film an episode of Murphy Brown. Just ask.)
10) Being right, or better still, other people being wrong. She lived to watch other people climb step ladders strewn with banana peels. (I could've told you, Jen, but you wouldn't have listened). I might have listened! You could have tried!
The unusual thing is, I know more about my former mother-in-law than I do my present mother-in-law. It could be that I was younger and more impressionable with the former. Or that "Big Mamoo" tended to lay it all out on the table on day one. When we first met she put her hands on her hips, circled me slowly and appeared to be assessing whose breasts were meatier.
However: I do know what my now-and-future mother-in-law considers a proper burial.
This is why LB has been instructed that in the event of my demise, I am not to have my decaying corpse read to for three days by a tag-team of Anthroposophists, nor am I to be frozen solid, thrust into a cooler and driven to Seymour, IN.
If he forgets, I'm trusting all of you to remind him.