Bare Necessities

There's been talk -- just talk, mind you -- about my getting a laptop.  Several of my children have laptops, but I have been operating from a table-bound device with a behemoth of a tower ever since the days of shell accounts and newsgroups.  LB suggested that I compile a list of what I want my laptop to do, so that we can make an informed choice in purchasing.

1.  It needs to be mine, only mine, and never used to watch Spongebob episodes or view football highlights (and by football, I mean soccer).  The WSJ will not be bookmarked.

2.  It needs to have a mouse option.  I have never learned to use those arrow keys, and it may just be too late for me.  I'm not sure that such a laptop exists, but that's what I'd like.

3.  This is somewhat negotiable, but I'd prefer it to be an Apple.  Not a Motorola with an Apple-like operating system.  Not a Sony.  Not a Tandy, and not a Funai.

4.  I'd like it to have a disk drive that can play DVD's as well as CD's.

5.  I'd like it to be able to tell me if I really am hungry for ice cream, or just thirsty.

6. I'd like a little bell to go off every time I accidentally hit caps lock so that I don't TYPE 6 PARAGRAPHS LIKE THIS BEFORE I REALIZE WHAT HAPPENED1.

7. When I try to empty the trash, I want it to empty the trash without asking me if I really want to empty the trash.  My laptop must respect my intelligence and not call my choices into question.

8.  It must recognize and decipher nuance.  Meaning I want it to be tell me if that person meant that comment the way it sounds, or if I'm overreating.

9.  I'd like it to have a really cool cover.  I'd love Hello Kitty, but I'd never be able to keep Olive away from it.  Come to think of it, I'd like it to have an Olive Oyl cover.

10.  The glass should be treated with that stuff they use on the lenses I wear, to prevent scratches.

11. I want it to have no "insert" key that I can accidentally hit, turning the function off and thereby allowing me to type over huge chunks of text I can never get back.

12.  I have not used a function key since 1989.  Therefore, I'm willing to generously forgo having them on this laptop if it means I can have the mouse feature instead.

13.  I'd like it to come with a mail program that replies to all "return receipt" requests with an email that tells the sender, "In this life, there are some questions for which you are not owed an answer."

14.  When I'm on a roll, I'd like it to do an automatic save every ninety seconds.  Just like that old Tandy word processor I had in 1988.

15. I would like it to understand that the printer is old and cranky, and realize that it -- as the younger and more flexible device -- needs to take that first step toward working together and getting along.

16.  I'd like it to save me time by remotely turning on other useful devices in the home, such as the dishwasher, the coffee grinder, and the children.

 

Comments

[Gail]

Makes sense to me!

[Lo]

Was hoping you'd include a vid of Baloo.
But just for the records, those sharing your DNA can handle a no-mouse laptop. It does not involve the same skill set as opening a new box of cereal.

[Janet Friel]

Sounds like the perfect laptop to me - I want one!

[Ingrid]

I love the "no caps lock" and "no insert" features. Mouses are easy to install through a USB slot.

I wish you consulted for an IT company for those of us that love the internet but not the software - have you seen the new iTunes?

[Lynn]

I have mouse and regular keyboard for mine. I hate the little mouse pad on laptops. Good luck. :)

[leslie]

I can't help you with the rest but...

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Skinit-Popeye-Olive-Oyl-Skin-Generic-12in-Laptop-10-6in-X-8-3in-/320876111010

xoxo,
L

PS: It's always the ice cream.

[Heidicrafts]

I cannot help you with all of your requests, but I understand why you are requesting them.
I recently switched to laptop only. I'm still adjusting to the fact hat ALL of m computer files are in this little box.

#2 - I have a wireless mouse. The receiver plugs into a UBS port that doesn't stick out disruptively.
I also have a tray for when I actually use the laptop on my lap, and it has a smaller slide-out tray for the mouse to move around. Both tray and mouse are from Logitech. I bought them at Target.

It mattered greatly to me that I have a full number key pad, which wider laptops (16-17") have and narrower ones do not. This may not be an issue for you, or may not have thought of it.

#6 CAPS LOCK - I can't answer for Apple, but Windows 7 has an Ease of Use section and can set it so that a beep is heard when changing Caps Lock, Num Lock, or Scroll Lock.

#11 Insert key - I hear you.

#13 - Return receipt - there are times in my job with the band that I need to know if m message reached its destination. Without return receipt, I will make a phone call.

#14 Autosave - again, I don't know Apple, but MS Word has Options to set an AutoRecover saving time.
I've learned in many areas that sometimes people don't tell you these helpful bits because they thought that they already knew. I once taught a boyfriend's mom how to securely snap a CD back into a case on the prongs - all of the men in her family assumed that it was obvious. She was so grateful for the 15 seconds it took to demonstrate.
#16 - I know of no software to activate children in ways their parents prefer. Sorry.

Best wishes with your search.

[Jen]

Are you sure, Lo? I had six children so Id never have to make thecereal box re-closable.

[kmkat]

#1 - 4, no problem. After that, you are on your own. The Ding! when you hit CapsLock is pure genius; I just went through the system preferences on my Mac and, sadly, there does not appear to be such an option. Really, there should be such a thing. (It is not beyond the realm of possibility that it is hiding somewhere I couldn't find it. Others, feel free to prove me wrong.)

[Gail]

I want the one that turns the dishwasher on.

[Tamara]

#8 (be able to decipher nuance) could make a major contribution to world peace.